This past week has been very busy so forgive me as I try to keep this post organized and cover all of the excitement!
On the pregnancy front this past week has been filled with much of the same symptoms. The only new additions is my anxiety is rising, and I noticed some VERY minimal swelling in my fingers and toes.
I’m hoping the swelling is what is to blame for my recent 5 pound weight gain– because I would totally own up to overeating, and I have not eaten enough to gain 5 pounds. Of course all of my pregnancy applications are telling me that weight gain is going to come on steadily from here on out. I guess a girl can’t go her entire pregnancy without any weight gain. haha. The only reason I even noticed the swelling is because I was on my feet a lot this week, and my normally bony feet were not bony, and I could tell my loose wedding band was getting significantly less loose. My feet were not sore, or crazy large. I hope I don’t have a ton of swelling, but I’ll take it if it comes.
I’m still enjoy feeling my son move, and I’m still burping every 30 seconds. My back is more sore than usual, but I think that is because of the very hectic past few days I’ve had. My skin is breaking out some, and my belly is growing. All normal and healthy pregnancy symptoms. I’ve still been craving fresh fruit, greek yogurt, and banana bread. So no complaints here on any of these.
While my anxiety is not a pregnancy symptom, it is a symptom of my pregnancy– if that makes any sense. As the weeks tick off, and my son grows larger I find myself getting very anxious about all of the potential dangers. My first big concern is gestational diabetes. My test for that is about 5 weeks away, and because I’m overweight and my mother had it with both of my sisters– I know I have a bigger chance of having it compared to others. I also know that I’ve been pretty good with my diet and I hope that is enough to keep us both healthy.
I’ve also been doing some reading about what to expect postpartum and the topic of ‘postpartum depression’ is coming up a lot. While I’ve never suffered from depression (only anxiety, and a mild case of OCD– neither of which I need medication to control), I’m so scared of developing postpartum depression. My mother had severe postpartum depression, nearly postpartum psychosis, and it drove her to attempt to take her own life only 9 months after my sister was born. I know that I have a wonderful husband who will be there to support me, as well as an amazing family– and even if I miss the symptoms, they will help me take care of myself (if I were to develop postpartum depression), it still makes me nervous. We are moving, 90 miles away from the city I’ve called home for the last decade, and 90 miles away from all of my friends, and I worry that I’m going to feel isolated and lonely and make me even more prone.
I hate that postpartum depression isn’t talked about enough, or given the attention it deserves. People expect moms to be so filled with total bliss that they don’t have a chance to be sad. For some women that is the case, but for others the whirlwind of hormones, and the major directional changes their life has recently went under– it is enough to mute the bliss of their new addition. Mom’s who suffer from postpartum depression did nothing wrong, they are clinically sick and just need time to heal and potentially medical intervention.
My anxiety is leading me to compulsive tendencies. It is such a scary thought to think that I’m doing everything I can to take care of my son the only ways I can: eating right, exercising, avoiding all the danger foods and medicines, and taking it easy. There are dangers that I can not protect him from and that scares me. I find myself focusing obsessively on his movements, trying to make sure he is staying as active as he is supposed to. I know in general most women do this without a second thought, but I have this fear the second I stop focusing and trying to feel him will be the second something goes wrong. I stop and focus and count his movements, and can’t relax until I’ve felt him move X amount of times, or listened to his heart rate on my own doppler.
I realize that I just spilled a bunch of DARK and SCARY and SAD things that my anxiety is making it impossible to ignore, but I always said that this blog was about the good, the bad, and the ugly– but I also want to make sure that despite having so many fears I am still enjoying my pregnancy. I am enjoying the time my husband and I have alone, the ease at which I can go out with my friends, the special time that I can share with my son between just the two of us. I’m also enjoying my growing belly, folding baby socks, and those punches and kicks at all hours of the day. It’s just hard to focus on ONLY the good, despite how much I want to.
Am I crazy, or do other women feel this way, too?
This week has been busy with more than just baby stuff.
My best friend’s birthday was at the end go July but our plans were delayed until this past week. We started off with a day at the zoo, an evening at the casino, and an amazing dinner at a small restaurant neither of us had ever been to. The next day we drove nearly two hours to a very small water park where we only managed to enjoy about an hour-and-a-half in the wave pool and the lazy river, before we both fell asleep on the lawn chairs and by the time we woke up it was 5pm and we needed to head back home. Despite the fact that we didn’t get to enjoy too much time in the water we had an amazing few days.
Then on Friday I’m spent the day with my husband, mother-in-law, and her husband on a highway yardsale that spans for several hundred miles. It was a long day and by the end of it I found myself skipping booths so I could sit down and relax. I did manage to find some amazing vintage pyrex mixing bowls, a rolling pin, and some baby shoes.
Then just yesterday (yes, by then I was technically 23 weeks) C’s grandmother gave me a box of over 60 pairs of baby socks, and 8 pairs of baby shoes. I was so touched by the gesture, and thankful for the gift (do you know how expensive baby socks are?). They are hand-me-downs from C’s baby cousin who is about 18 months old. I was also told that they have a ton of clothes for my son, enough that when she heard I was shopping for clothes she urged me not to. Apparently I’m going to have more than enough in that department. Considering I have no one on my side of the family who has recently had any children, I didn’t expect to get a lot of hand-me-downs.
So wow– this week has been crazy busy, and filled with a lot– But it’s good to write it all down and remember this one day when I’m looking back on it.